December 2010
38 posts
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Running Into Gutters
FADE IN
Int-Facebook, Day
LYLE and DAVID casually chat through Facebook instant messaging about exercise.
Lyle: I need to go running more. I'd be more motivated if I had a running partner.
David: I could run with you, but the running I do so far has been on an elliptical. I can't do treadmills though. Treadmills are evil. (aside glare)
Lyle: Well I meant running outside, like where hills and sunlight exist.
David: (pushy) Well when you visit me in Santa Cruz we could jog the amazing landscape the college has to offer!
Lyle: I also wouldn't mind doing other cardiovascular activities, like kendo... or fencing... or Eskrima... or just something else that requires stick handling.
David catches on to something Lyle could be implying between the lines.
David: (chuckles) I think that's what she said.
Lyle: (confused) Stick hitting... Something knocking...?
David stares at Lyle for a second in disbelief.
Lyle: Oh! I get it now!
David facepalms.
Lyle: Pervert.
David: You act as if you weren't thinking it.
Lyle: I wasn't actually... Surprisingly.
David: (confused) Odd... You're usually the one that brings the conversation into the gutter, not me. Now that we're here, this just seems awkward...
Lyle: (shrugs) Yeah... Not really. Boners are hilarious though. Aren't you a fan of boners?
David: (sighs) Yep, we're in the gutter now.
Lyle: Well aren't you? Come on, even LESBIANS enjoy them!
David: (pauses) Depends on the context of said boner I suppose.
Lyle: Anytime. Anywhere.
David: Are they really that funny to you all the time?
Lyle: Haven't you SEEN a boner? They are so silly popping up anywhere and everywhere. I actually wanted to start a comic series with nothing but awkward boners.
David struggles to find words that would change the subject of the conversation.
Lyle: However I'd think I run out of comic ideas when I'd hit the forty mark.
David: That much? Does it really happen that often to you?
Lyle: Well, I guess I could do comics about other people's boners, too...
David: (pauses) I guess I just don't notice these things.
Lyle: (pauses) I don't believe you. Everyone notices either their own or other awkward boners!
David facepalms his forehead again.
Lyle: Maybe I just stare at crotches too much.
David: Maybe. I only really catch myself staring at body parts when I feel that they are exceptionally sexy or just out of the ordinary.
Lyle sighs.
David: I mostly stare off into space, I think. Either that or, you know, focus on the person's face if I'm talking to them.
Lyle: You need to notice boners more. Enjoy the wondrous variety before your eyes. Wake up and smell the boner if you will. Take time to stop and smell the boners... With your eyes...
More awkward silence ensues as David, again, facepalms his already bruised forehead.
Lyle: Sometimes I don't really know what I am going to say until it pops out of my mouth.
David: (looks up) That statement is also dirty out of context. Another that's-what-she-said moment, if you will.
They both laugh.
END
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“[S]leeping with a jar of radium by your pillow is intellectually exhilarating...”
– Madame Curie
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I'm Not an Alcoholic
This seriously just happened:
David pours milk into a Kahlua cup and walks out of the kitchen.
Aunt: (spies the glass) Oh what are you drinking?
David: Milk.
Aunt: (grossed out face) Ugh, nevermind.
David: Wouldn’t it be too early to have alcohol?
Aunt: (scoffs) It’s never too early.
Exit David’s Aunt.
Sometimes I wonder if my aunt actually feels disappointed in me for...
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My Xmas Haul
Reese’s filled stocking.
Pajama pants (3)
Sweaters (2), or “very warm shirts” according to my mom when I said I didn’t want sweaters.
Shirts (2), one that says ”I’m not a doctor, but I’ll take a look anyway,” and another that says ”I’m a Pepper” with the Dr. Pepper logo.
Spy watch, which supposedly records audio, pictures, and...
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My New Starbucks Hobby
My Hobby: Do you ever get misheard or been victim of a Starbucks barista getting your name wrong? I propose a solution. Whenever you go into a new or different Starbucks and they ask for your name, I suggest stating a different name than your own. If you have a foreign name or a name with funky spelling, state a name that’s normal, like “Fred” or “Lisa.” If your name...
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Xmas Cookies, Round 1
FADE IN
Int-HQ, Night
DAVID, his MOTHER, and his sister, AUDREY, are sitting in the living room with a sense of defeat after having failed to create a decent batch of Xmas cookies. This is the first year David and Audrey has made the family Xmas cookies that their mother was usually responsible for.
David: (sighs) We did everything correctly. So why are the cookies not baking correctly?
Mother: Sometimes you have to go through a few batches to figure out what went wrong.
Audrey: I don't know what went wrong though. We followed your recipe to the letter and we followed the same directions we've been using for years. The cookies just didn't turn out right.
David: Didn't we use to melt the butter before we added it to the dough?
Mother: Well that wouldn't matter if you used the mixer to mix it. It might be because it's raining outside. Sometimes you have to add extra stuff to offset the outside humidity like you would if you were on a higher altitude. I usually never paid too close attention to the measurements and I end up adding just an extra amount of brown sugar.
Audrey: Well we might as well add in that much seeing as three fourths of a cup is so close to two cups--wait...
David and his mother do a double take.
David: Audrey... You read the measuring cup wrong didn't you--?
Audrey: I did. Crap.
SCENE
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“Use the fork to twirl the noodles in the spoon.
Once they’re sufficiently...”
– Myself, teaching King how to eat fettuccine and accidentally rhyming in the process.
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“Well if Joy Behar can say it, then it must be okay.”
– Mom, about using the word “bitch” on TV.
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See What I Deal With? (Economic Development Final)
This is an actual question from a previous final with the answer key:
5. (9 points) A researcher is interested in the effect of good parenting on childrens outcomes. He fi
nds that Nigerian schoolchildren who are spanked by their mothers are more likely to behave aggressively as adults. Interpret these results.
Answer: The kids that get spanked are bad kids and that’s why they grow up...
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Cinnamon and Voldemort
FADE IN
Int-Owl's Nest Cafe, Day
ANDREA and DAVID are having lunch after just getting out of an accounting final.
Andrea: So we have been having this ant problem and I learned recently that ants hate cinnamon. So I tried testing this out; We got a whole bunch of cinnamon at the store and I plucked one of the ants in our house and put it next to a pile of cinnamon on the counter. The ant just sniffed it and it ran away as fast as it could.
David: Wow. I never knew that... That's so weird...
Andrea: Yeah! I did an experiment in our bathroom where I made a maze with some cinnamon and put ants inside it to see how they would react.
David: (laughs) That seems morbidly sadistic.
Andrea: (laughs) I know, right?
David: Do they ever make it out?
Andrea: Usually they'd find a portkey to freedom.
David: (laughs) Then I guess Voldemort has their way with them. 'KILL THE SPARE!'
SCENE
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“Shut it and sit down. I’m so tired of this crap. I know enough about the...”
– Madeline, Burn Notice, on trust…
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WatchDay Twenty Four: Movie
The last movie I saw in movie theaters was Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. My love for this move cannot be put into words… So MOVIEBOB will put it into words for me. (Also, it’s been awhile since I posted a video.) Be patient, there will be a preview before the actual review.
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What I'd Rather Be Doing Instead of This Paper
From most to least desirable:
Organize my Xmas song playlist.
Make Holiday/Xmas cards.
Play my (still unnamed) djembe.
Watch (500) Days of Summer.
Make loud noises with textbooks.
Pikari~ (This one’s for you Taka).
Compose a soundtrack related to my different moods.
Experiment a domino chain using the library bookshelves.
Make a list out of frustration.
Repeatedly hit my head...
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My Naming Inanimate Objects Hobby
My Hobby: I like to name some awesome inanimate objects. I think this dates back to when I named my friend, Achona’s, blue Scion after we drove it to our camping site in Willow, Ca. The car got so dusty that I decided to write the name “Dusty McRustbucket” along the side of the car. The car also lost a hubcap on the way up the large and rocky hill…
Anyway, since then...
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“Sarah: No you’re cracked! We can’t seat Adam and Gordon next to each...”
– Sarah and Crosby Braverman, Parenthood, on seating arrangement for Thanksgiving Dinner.